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zendevil
Jun. 16th, 2006
10:38 pm - Alert: Bag Snatcher on the loose.
Unbelievable.
My bag has been kidnapped & is being held hostage by the viking. I lent him a rather cool black travel bag which i had conveniently found abandoned by a bin some time back (those of you who know me well realise this is perfectly normal scavenging/recycling behaviour. I lent him this on February 13th, when he entered the psychiatric Clinic.He was made fully aware it was a loan, not a gift.
They slung him out of the Maison du Noisette on March 2nd ;probably he was too much of a challenge. He appeared here immediately after, sans bag. Claimed it was at his apartment & would be returned post haste.
Haven't seen him since i last slung him out after the Affair of the Lemon Juice, but have texted him to say "Listen kid, it's OVER, repeat after me F.I.N.I...so please could i just have my bag back, then i will cease all contact with you." i don't want to see him, have suggested he leave it at the corner bar, or if that's too humiliating, dump it on the doorstep, ring bell & run away.
He is refusing point blank to give my bag back. I've used up most of my phone credit today trying to reason with him, he simply refuses. So of course eventually i end up screaming "You are a bloody thief on top of all your other problems!" which is exactly the reaction he wants: "Oh look, Terri's lost control, she's the nutty one, not me"
He really cannot get it through his head that i've decided enough is enough.
"You have another man
No I don't, that isn't the sole reason for deciding to finish a "relationship"
You said you loved me
I did. Past tense.
But i love you.
Well, that's very sad, but you will get over it I am sure.
OK, i kidnap your bag.You never see your bag again. You no go on holiday with another man"
Hmm. Right. That's told me then hasn't it?
Ah well, fortunately, it looks likely that company is coming to me. Rianne, a young Dutch girl in early July, possibly an Irish lady later on & latest is me old mate John Dowie responded straight back to my drunken email & may be visiting very soon. He is a stand up comedian, hugely offensive & enormous fun. He toured with Victoria Wood, she got massive, he is still doing the pub circuit. He possibly upset people with songs like "I wanna be your amputee" & "I hate the Dutch" I did some of his photo publicity, including nearly suffocating him in a sheet of plastic.
Click on this & listen, but don't say i didn't warn you!
http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2006/05/j
Should liven things up around here if he turns up. With any luck, i may have a banned stand up comedian, Dutch hitchiker, Oirish older lesbian & recently released drug dealer all here at the same time.
Whatever, if viking turns up in bleat mode, he may find more than he bargained for.
Oh, started a new cheesebox by the way, it's going well so far.
it's bloody hot hereJun. 14th, 2006
11:04 am
I'm bored. This is quite possibly dangerous news for Angoulême. I tried to stay in bed till midday, which is much cheaper, but failed, so here i am all bright & perky at only 11am.
I think i will go out, ostensibly to exchange my library books & buy some fresh coriander, all very innocent & worthy.
The hidden agenda of course is that i am actually Looking For Trouble, at the very least i expect a nice available millionaire to appear & declare undying love for me.(I require, apart from the cash assets: tall, slim, long hair, non neurotic, not attached, intelligent, affectionate. Gay i will accept.In fact, i may extend the criteria to suitable ladies. Own chateau preferred.)
Failing that, i will change my library books. And snoop.
"yes dear, forcing!"Jun. 11th, 2006
05:43 pm
I have apparently Been Tagged by Psychocandy, or Ophelia Wotsit as she is known on here. Presumably this implies i have done Naughty Things & need Keeping an Eye On.
According to the rules i am supposed to list random things about myself, i think it was a list of 8 or 9, but i never was good at numbers.
1) I am currently wearing a nun's grey habit with white Tshirt underneath.
2) My birth name is Teresa, but Jimmy Saville suggested I change it to Terri whilst he was endevouring to seduce me (unsuccessfully) when i was 14.
3) The longest i have lived in any one actual building in my life is two years.
4)I don't like radishes either.
5)I have been declared clinically dead (so far) 3 times.
6)Possibly connected to the above, i have survived, in alphabetical order: Assault, anaphylactic shock,battered wife syndrome, car accidents,crocodiles,diarrhoea,earthquak
7)I have not yet experienced a tsunami or volcano. You lot will be the first to hear about it. Don't believe anything the BBC tells you.
8)I am actually a very boring, ordinary person. All my ex hubbies would agree on this one.
No idea how i pass this nonsense on to the next victim, VD i can do (see above: ref: venereal disease, sex,warts, useless men) but Tag here means spraypainting graffiti & i don't happen to have any spray paint. Would a nice gentle watercolour do instead?
debating stuff......May. 30th, 2006
06:04 am - Losing the plot
I'm cracking up. It's 6am here & i am finally entering serious nuttyland. I think i've spent so long trying & failing to sort someone elses loopiness out i am now entering the same dimension.
The fucking phone is clicking, it clicks & clicks & clicks, it won't sodding stop, i haven't a clue how the damn thing works, i have pressed every button in every combination, i have ended up hitting it, screaming at it, finally stuffing it into a box with a cushion on top. It continues to click.
I can't sleep with this, it's a form of torture. I can't sleep upstairs 'cos that's now officially Viking territory & anyway i prefer my real bed. I have to leave the phone off the hook 'cos i have some idiot stalking me who phones at all times of day & night. I can't unplug the phone 'cos i need it for internet connection. I can cover it with music while i am awake but have no more batteries for the CD player, can't leave it on all night.
I realise i am being irrational, but fuck, i have tried being rational for rather a long time & where has it got me? Everyone has limits & i think i've reached mine. I wonder if i've spent so long concentrating on trying to sort vikings problems out i have failed to notice my own.
I'm sick to death of sodding french, the language, my brain is addled trying to translate everything & respond quickly, i can't do it, i get laughed at, there's only so much ridicule you can take. Impossible to have a real conversation. But of course if i make any sort of protest The Gloat appears "Well, if you can't squeak french, why are you living in our wonderful country, using our wonderful Social services?" to which i have no defence other than Britain is so crap.
I'm sick of hootoo also. The place that was my escape, my refuge, my meeting place, the place where i felt free to express a true opinion, laugh & joke feels now more like Guantanamo Bay at times. I weep for DNA's dream.
Click click click. i can't find the speaker part, if i could i would disable it. i can see why this is an effective form of torture.
had enoughMay. 26th, 2006
07:00 pm
Hmm. I see hootoo is "experiencing technical difficulties" which mean you can't sign in, or post, or do anything useful at all actually, other than lurk. Even that isn't easy. Here's a method i have found normally works:
Go to BBC News. Go to the "search" box & type in h2g2. Go to the front page, assuming the entire site hasn't died. Find some part on front Page where you know you posted. Find your post & click on your name. Voila! You can lurk your page & get some idea when the site died.
There is a theory that hootoo has disappeared up its own bum simply 'cos it can't cope with both Lil & me submitting Guide Entries on consecutive days. The power, the power! We are actually working on a new version of the Da Vinci Code even as we squeak. Da Guide da Vinci ML.
Life here is a bundle of fun. Both my bloody students have finished, so my income is halved. The sodding Electric board are demanding a third of said income *every* month, another third goes to phone, internet & topping up the rent. I am now yet again reduced to getting food parcels from the Red Cross (bless 'em!)I have offered to do tin rattling & translation for them. I'm extremely good at tin rattling, confronted with a strange person shouting "Red Cross! How much you want to give eh?!" right up their nose, most people do tend to give. I shall take my walking stick with me both for self protection & to gain the sympathy vote.
I have given in on the TV war, sort of. In exasperation, i hauled the damn thing upstairs on my own to the bedroom & announced "There! Plug it in, switch on, sit down & shut up!" So after much muttering & banging around, he has done so. The bed is now His Territory & has Been Hoovered since the disgusting filthy furry feline has Left Hairs which is Not Hygienic.
12 days left till payday. Bugger all veggies. His Holiness is whinging 'cos he is still determined to be On a Diet, jeez, try the "no food left in the house" diet, it's actually quite effective.
But i am not entirely dim, i have stocked up on wine.
Unbelievable. he has just announced "I want your bamboo"
Answer: "NO!"
ever had a bamboo enema?May. 19th, 2006
08:18 pm - Pince linges & large pains
Strange household this. Just opened the freezer & found a wooden clothes peg (pince linge)Took the rubbish out & replaced the bouchon (cork) in the porte (door). Earlier bought a large pain. (bread)
The Real Life Large Pain is Sulking in his bamboo cabin, which means i am up for filthy cyber stuff tonight if anybody is interested. He claims he will return tomorrow *only* if i am Zen. How he is going to decide if i am Zen without contacting me first is anybody's guess; maybe he is studying telepathy? Mind control doesn't seem to be working too well.
I have adopted NBY's suggested technique & if he shouts at me i go right up to his nose & scream "DON'T SHOUT or I Shout LOUDER; much, much, much LOUDER" He is now wailing & clutching his ears when i approach.
I am sorely tempted to wait for his arrival & greet him with "LOOK I AM REALLY REAALLY ZEN!!!" at top notch decibel level on the doorstep. Gawd knows what the neighbours must think, as for the nuns....
The TV issue remains unresolved. I refuse to let this one go unless the little one arrives. He refuses to bring the little one; i think he is afraid i will kidnap it. He could be right. Fantasies of pointing the zapper at him:
"change your channel to zennitude or the TV gets it!"
Slow, slow, quix quix slowMay. 17th, 2006
09:12 pm - How to convert a TV into a terririst threat.
Situation:
Viking is addicted to TV: fine, i think we all know that.
I am not, i think we all know that too.
Viking cannot sleep without the TV on.
I cannot sleep with it on.
Viking is currently refusing to sleep with me.
So I sleep downstairs, he sleeps upstairs.
But TV is downstairs.
****dilemma time****
It's all very well if I am on computer till same time or preferably after he gets into his jim-jams & trundles off to dreamland.It's far from all right if I want to go to bed first since he is reclining on it watching TV.
So: He has what appears to be a fairly sensible idea:
"Why don't we swap my smaller TV which has handle, for your larger one? You never watch TV anyway unless i am here, this means if you want to go to bed i take it upstairs & carry on watching"
*Idiot features here remembers he has previously whinged that his is on the blink, plus he's just acquired a free DVD player, so chances of innocent motives are less than nil*
Nonetheless; if it means a remote possibility of sleep i will probably go for it. The TV here is not one of yer plasma screen lightweight jobbies, it is bloody enormous & weighs a ton, the one in his place is much smaller; i could carry it easily.
His bamboo cabin is on the 3rd floor (no lift/elevator)so we are talking a LOT of steps. He is a big strong male humanoid but is 52 & hardly in peak fitness. (I could suggest some sodding exercises!)
The TV antenna connexion in the bedroom is dodgy to say the least, "never employ friends brothers to do these things" but with a bit of wiggling & no movement on the bed it *might* work.
Now, Viking's current TV (which incidentally came free from the friend mentioned above, so he should be sodding grateful) is an integral part of a carefully designed bamboo, raffia, clothes pegs, corks & video collection. extracting it will be rather like taking apart the DNA hub.
My big jobbie simply sits quietly on a box & does what it's told "Entertain the viking for gods sake!"
Logic probably isn't my strongest point but it seems to me that screaming hysterically at 3 am "I kidnap your TV now!" is not the wisest way to go about this. I have just sent 13 text messages suggesting he:
Disengage his little one
Bring it here
We find out if it works in the bedroom
If not, we try & sort the connexion problem
We may have to wiggle the antenna; which lives in the attic, attic has no lighting, so i suspect this is best done in daylight
If little TV works, fine, he can take biggie away when he next departs & spend many happy hours re-arranging the bamboo cabin around it
If it doesn't work, we have to think again. This may involve phoning the brother, again, probably best done in daylight, not at 3am.
If all goes well, viking can stagger up the stairs with Big TV, but again, best not done at 3am, the lights in his apartment block are on a time switch & possibly the neighbours may not appreciate imploding TV's & hysterical vikings outside their door at this hour.
If he buggers this up & drops the thing, he ends up with:
NO TV
An extremely murderously inclined zendevil (as opposed to the usual state of moderately murderous)who is $80 poorer
Possible injury to self (from TV, zendevil & maybe neighbours)
Possible damage claim from the council
Probable hate campaign from the neighbours
A large gap where his TV used to be, no amount of raffia will fill this.
Ah well, we shall see......
01:32 am - One of those days
Be warned; i am feeling extremely ratty. Dunno why, which is making me feel even rattier. His nordicness has been hanging around for a week & seems to be entering "i am a nice, helpful person" mode; which is deeply suspicious & makes me wonder what is lurking around the corner. I would actually perefer him to be surly, then i can whinge about him, when he is nice it makes me want to cuddle him, which is of course Not Allowed, so makes me frustrated as hell.
The weather here has seemingly entered "Summer" mode, apparently it will be 33° tomorrow, which is too bloody hot for me.
Yoda has discovered a small hole in the attic insulation, which she has converted into a large hole & is crawling through the roof space, presumably stalking unwary pigeons. i can just see it, phoning french fire Brigade to rescue howling cat from the roof. Knowing my luck a vulture will land & carry her away, then drop her onto viking's car, causing immense damage.
I have been snuffling, coughing, sneezing & itching all day; i suspect hay fever stuff. Or imminent death from some rare tropical disease.
GRRR: "error logging on: invalid password." Mood: murderous
crappyMay. 13th, 2006
12:46 am - Hootoo is dying of boredom
Hmmpff. Honestly, the place seems to be dissolving into a sludgy mess of nothingness. The people who have "get up & go" have got up & gone. the liveliest places are the willy thread & Ed Bonobo's controversial BNP thread.
Six 7's & myself have reignited the "Let's parlez Franglais" thread in an attempt to stir up some trouble, but i don't think it's going to work. Hah!If i wrote that as w**k i would get bleeped.
Merde shit bollocks. God, that feels good. I think i will go on my Eye thread & detail the trivia of my life, maybe write a Guide Entry on "how to go shopping at LIDL" or "What to do when your begonia seems poorly"
This here wretched site has some sort of linguistic identity crisis; jeez, as if i need another bilingual screwed up entity! This entire page is a mélange of frog & anglish. Maybe it's actually trying very hard to make me feel at home. I would rather someone feel hard to me at home. Bad me, naughty me. I am trying, very very trying at times.
Thank gawd for cyber sex.
Terri (& yoda the bloody Unfaithful hussy pussy)
unpleasantMay. 8th, 2006
04:28 am - Still can't work this site out!
I have been told yet again that my password is wrong, just changed it yet again & now written it on the monitor.
I've got loads of photos NBY (David) sent me from his visit here, but can't work out how to get them on here, half of this is in english, the rest in inscrutable frogsqueak (have you ever tried scruting a frog, it is painful for all concerned)
I've had two requests to join the Terri & Yoda Hootoo Exiles site on here, one is obviously NBY, who is welcomed with open arms obviously, the other is a name i don't recognise, so if that person can let me know who they are we can get it sorted.
Off for a quick lurk on Hootoo assuming the dreaded 502 doesn't intervene!
Terri
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